Farting His Guts Out
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of farting every morning as he woke up. The noise would always wake up the wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. She would beg him to stop farting and he would tell her that he couldn't help it.
One time, she asked him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her it was just a natural body function and then he would laugh at her as she tried to wave the fumes away. She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, one day he was going to be "farting his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings. One Thanksgiving Day, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She prepared pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs a few hours before her husband would awake. While he was still sleeping soundly, she pulled back the blankets and then gently pulled back her husband's underwear. She then placed all of the turkey guts into his underwear, pulled them up, replaced the blankets and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
A few hours later, she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. The noise was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife couldn't control herself and she laughed so hard she cried. After years of putting up with him, she'd finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, the husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and asked him what was wrong.
"Honey", he said, "You were right. You warned me for years and I didn't listen." "What do you mean?", asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days. Today it finally happened, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to get them all back in."
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