Adam and Eve
All About Adam
Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."
"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "A man! What's that?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he's big and strong, and he can open jars and hunt animals. He'll be fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own… thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
Not tonight, Adam
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What's 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What's 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache'?"
Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
A Plausible Explanation
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam, no. I did that so that she could love YOU."
Suspicious Eve
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
20 Responses to “Adam and Eve”
Ha ha, that was quite funny. I thought it was going to be something religiously centered at first, but that was simply quality humor. Thanks for sharing!
By Justin from Airsoft Rifles on Oct 6, 2008
"Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!"
This one is absoluetely hilarious. I laughed so hard! Thanks for sharing this one! I got a good kick out of this!
By Kevin from Eiffel Tower on Oct 8, 2008
LOL I clicked on "rectum stretcher" wondering what that had to do with Adam and Eve.
I need to get more sleep…
By Spike from myrtle beach website design on Oct 10, 2008
LOL. This was great! Thanks for sharing!
By Kevin from Great Wall of China Facts on Oct 11, 2008
This was a very funny post, though not sure it's biblically accurate:)
It is true to real life!
My last blog post… Cosmetic Contacts
By Daniel from Glow In The Dark Contacts on Oct 12, 2008
Funny post. But my favorite Adam & Eve Story is the poignant one where an old Rabbi points out that Eve wasn't taken out of Adam's skull to be above him, nor taken from his feet to be stomped on- but taken instead from his rib to be closest to his heart.
By Shane Sheibani on Oct 12, 2008
Ha! I had heard a couple of these before, but that rib one was definitely new to me!
My last blog post… Homebuilt Wind Power Generators - How Big is Your Battery Bank?
By Tim from Homebuilt Wind Power Generators on Oct 13, 2008
These jokes are hilarious. Did you come up with them or did you find them all online? I already printed off this page to share with my co-workers tomorrow
My last blog post… The real cost of sending SMS messages
By Alex from SMS News on Oct 15, 2008
hahaha….brilliant! Biblically accurate? not really. Funny? heck yes!
My last blog post… Our QuickBooks Integration Just Got Better
By pete from Time Tracker on Oct 17, 2008
You are so right. The things would be so much easier without other people involved. Especially mothers
Love this kind of humor, this stuff is good for a comedy sketch.
My last blog post… Latex Mattress Review
By Cathy from mattress reviews on Oct 18, 2008
Nice collection of Adam & Eve jokes. You must have been a priest in a previous life.
By Mike from best place to buy dvds online on Oct 21, 2008
"Counting your ribs"! That is so priceless it should be on a MasterCard commercial. LOL
By crystal from straightening balm on Oct 24, 2008
I cannot stop laughing. Even my precious grandmother would love these. She may shake her finger and tell me they're sacreligious but I truly think she'd think they were cute.
My last blog post… Birth of Mothra - truth or fiction?
By Cody from Birth Of Mothra on Oct 29, 2008
This was quite humorous indeed. Thanks for sharing these jokes!
By Joe from Eiffel Tower on Nov 3, 2008
Thanks for the laughs. I love this!
By dan from rock climbing terminology on Nov 6, 2008
This is the funniest article I think I've ever read! Thanks.
My last blog post… Tread Climber
By daniel from identity software theft on Nov 11, 2008
Bwahahahahah! Those were great and I am laughing especially hard about the headache. It is just so typical of a woman to do that. Oh well what do you do?
By Cabin Rentals Smoky Mountains on Nov 18, 2008
I loved loved loved the one about parenting. You made my day.
My last blog post… turkey on the BBQ grill
By Suzanne :: Adventures in Daily Living :: on Nov 21, 2008
that was really really funny. I was laughing out loud to myself and my roommate was annoyed. HAHAHA.
My last blog post… Another Hot Way to Earn Money Online
By athlon24 on Nov 24, 2008
Great list of Adam & Eve jokes. I heard a riddle once about them. What was different about Adam & Eve compared to every other person alive? They had no belly buttons.
My last blog post… Buy Cheap Eye Glasses Online: Smart or Not?
By aaron from buy cheap eye glasses online on Nov 26, 2008